New girl in the city - The 'Sakal hans mein Ram viraaje' version
I am 40 years old. I am also not new to the city I live in. I have already spent more than a decade in Pune, or Poona as it is now called. Therefore the title can be a bit misleading at first glance.
Yes, I still discover parts of this city that I haven't known before but I am hardly new to this city. This city hasn't exactly embraced me like I was its long lost son but it has shared with me its sublime music and appreciation for art - even though its people never fail to remind me that I am not one of their own whenever I try to come close to them. Much akin to how the matriarch treated Mastani in the film even though I am not really imposing myself upon any son of the soil. Yes, I am filmy like that.
I am also Indian - I happen to live and work in this city, pay rent, taxes and GST and would except to be treated as an equal citizen in lieu. But I digress, this isn't a rant about the city that I have come to love but which will probably not call me it's own ever.
This post is about me and my best friend from another life Ro. It is about our at times tumultuous but mostly peaceful situationship which has never been consummated or in the parlance of Bridgerton - which has never reached its pinnacle.
A little of the milieu we are in currently - not very far from my country a battle is being waged between relative 'good' and 'evil'. As I write this over the last months several kinds of modern missiles from both sides have reduced to dust several oil refineries, factories, ships, aircrafts, hotels and townships across many cities in west asia. Many little children have lost their lives. A part of the stunning Golestan Palace is decimated.
But more importantly, Ro has still not asked me out on a date even if we know each since the past 4 years. We didn't even meet each other all these years like friends do - over coffee or brunch.
For context, I am currently writing from the famous High Spirits where a band is belting out Pink Floyd favourites live. I am slightly fuzzy from the cosmopolitan and cranberry screwdriver I have gulped down. I landed up here partly because I half hoped Ro would be here too serendepitously. Because Ro has an eclectic taste in music and dark side of the moon is his favourite album from Pink Floyd.
The title of this post is a reference that only millenials who have seen a particular Bollywood movie would understand. When Ro and I spoke over a call during the initial days he joked that we were like Sid and Aisha from the movie 'Wake Up Sid' because I was older than him.
We figured that there were more similarities between us and the much loved characters of the film. This post though is not about Sid and Aish. Or the movie 'Wake Up Sid'.
It is about Ro and me who apparently according to Akashic Records have been best friends from other lifetimes. In one such life both of us were men and also soldiers on a battlefield. In that life Ro being a gay person had developed romantic feelings for me which I had neither understood nor reciprocated.
Before dying in a battle, he revealed his final wish that in another lifetime may I yearn for his love and may that love be not reciprocated by him. And my soul had accepted this contract. How dumb.
And therefore, an algorithm connects us after several lifetimes. Ro uses the most unconventional words on chat. Words that many wouldn't even know. Like zaftigism. and farrago. We play several rounds of trivia and word games.
And I suddenly find myself searching his name among millions of sites and blogs on the internet to find his blog where his 19 year old self has written about the genius that was H.Sridhar.
And his drums classes.
I understand only then that Ro meant the heavy metal band when he said he would be reading the kalma on every friday night. Ro is obtuse and sardonic that way. Never giving a straight or direct answer to simple questions, always keeping someone like me guessing and therefore hooked.
I found Ro to be extremely rude initially and his ways of letting me know that he liked me very unconventional. Usually a guy would offer to take you to a nice restaurant and would send chocolates or icecream.
Ro said one has to be deserving of the love they wish for. He also responds to every nice, friendly thing I say with a sexual remark - which is immediately intimate but cannot be trusted to be personal. He confirms - it's just carnal, nothing else.
On most days I feel it in my bones for certain that I am being played. That there are certainly others like me on the roster - simple, kind and willing to give the other person the benefit of doubt. Willing to understand what traumatic incident created such a formidable emotional defense.
After all Kabir said, 'Sakal hans mein Ram viraaje...'
The problem with any kind of defense system is that you are watching the show with popcorn as long as the opponent struggles with your defense. But it immediately becomes personal the moment the enemy turns offensive. When the opponent suddenly comes on your side, you don't want to share your popcorn.
Loving a human ardently is mostly an act of bravery.
Every step of the journey is ridden with perils and requires unbelievable amounts of courage to overcome. To not like someone at all in the beginning, to still consider their needs, then to understand where they are coming from, to try to see their light even when they only show your their darkness, to hold yourself with grace when they won't love you back like you want them to, when you step away with dignity but realise that life is too short to not be friends.
I want to tell Ro who was my friend in that life as he is now, that it wasn't our time then as it isn't our time now for the kind of subservience he wants in the name of love.
That to compel someone to love us only in a certain way is to close ourselves to the myriad of ways they already do.
That true love will never disrobe its participants of their dignity or self respect. That real friendship will never leave one confused about where they stand. That the hallmark of real connections are that we show up for whom we care about. That there is a response to every call no matter where one is. That true love never dies even when our bodies do.
Instead it grows across eons to shelter us from our own darkness whenever we choose to let it.
I would dance in elation if we end up together in this life or are able to stand on some kind of common, stable psychological ground of understanding but even if we don't - even if my friendship is unrequited I would be content because stars and galaxies are born from this kind of gravitational tension that has existed between us since several lifetimes.
Yes, I still discover parts of this city that I haven't known before but I am hardly new to this city. This city hasn't exactly embraced me like I was its long lost son but it has shared with me its sublime music and appreciation for art - even though its people never fail to remind me that I am not one of their own whenever I try to come close to them. Much akin to how the matriarch treated Mastani in the film even though I am not really imposing myself upon any son of the soil. Yes, I am filmy like that.
I am also Indian - I happen to live and work in this city, pay rent, taxes and GST and would except to be treated as an equal citizen in lieu. But I digress, this isn't a rant about the city that I have come to love but which will probably not call me it's own ever.
This post is about me and my best friend from another life Ro. It is about our at times tumultuous but mostly peaceful situationship which has never been consummated or in the parlance of Bridgerton - which has never reached its pinnacle.
A little of the milieu we are in currently - not very far from my country a battle is being waged between relative 'good' and 'evil'. As I write this over the last months several kinds of modern missiles from both sides have reduced to dust several oil refineries, factories, ships, aircrafts, hotels and townships across many cities in west asia. Many little children have lost their lives. A part of the stunning Golestan Palace is decimated.
But more importantly, Ro has still not asked me out on a date even if we know each since the past 4 years. We didn't even meet each other all these years like friends do - over coffee or brunch.
For context, I am currently writing from the famous High Spirits where a band is belting out Pink Floyd favourites live. I am slightly fuzzy from the cosmopolitan and cranberry screwdriver I have gulped down. I landed up here partly because I half hoped Ro would be here too serendepitously. Because Ro has an eclectic taste in music and dark side of the moon is his favourite album from Pink Floyd.
The title of this post is a reference that only millenials who have seen a particular Bollywood movie would understand. When Ro and I spoke over a call during the initial days he joked that we were like Sid and Aisha from the movie 'Wake Up Sid' because I was older than him.
We figured that there were more similarities between us and the much loved characters of the film. This post though is not about Sid and Aish. Or the movie 'Wake Up Sid'.
It is about Ro and me who apparently according to Akashic Records have been best friends from other lifetimes. In one such life both of us were men and also soldiers on a battlefield. In that life Ro being a gay person had developed romantic feelings for me which I had neither understood nor reciprocated.
Before dying in a battle, he revealed his final wish that in another lifetime may I yearn for his love and may that love be not reciprocated by him. And my soul had accepted this contract. How dumb.
And therefore, an algorithm connects us after several lifetimes. Ro uses the most unconventional words on chat. Words that many wouldn't even know. Like zaftigism. and farrago. We play several rounds of trivia and word games.
And I suddenly find myself searching his name among millions of sites and blogs on the internet to find his blog where his 19 year old self has written about the genius that was H.Sridhar.
And his drums classes.
I understand only then that Ro meant the heavy metal band when he said he would be reading the kalma on every friday night. Ro is obtuse and sardonic that way. Never giving a straight or direct answer to simple questions, always keeping someone like me guessing and therefore hooked.
I found Ro to be extremely rude initially and his ways of letting me know that he liked me very unconventional. Usually a guy would offer to take you to a nice restaurant and would send chocolates or icecream.
Ro said one has to be deserving of the love they wish for. He also responds to every nice, friendly thing I say with a sexual remark - which is immediately intimate but cannot be trusted to be personal. He confirms - it's just carnal, nothing else.
On most days I feel it in my bones for certain that I am being played. That there are certainly others like me on the roster - simple, kind and willing to give the other person the benefit of doubt. Willing to understand what traumatic incident created such a formidable emotional defense.
After all Kabir said, 'Sakal hans mein Ram viraaje...'
The problem with any kind of defense system is that you are watching the show with popcorn as long as the opponent struggles with your defense. But it immediately becomes personal the moment the enemy turns offensive. When the opponent suddenly comes on your side, you don't want to share your popcorn.
Loving a human ardently is mostly an act of bravery.
Every step of the journey is ridden with perils and requires unbelievable amounts of courage to overcome. To not like someone at all in the beginning, to still consider their needs, then to understand where they are coming from, to try to see their light even when they only show your their darkness, to hold yourself with grace when they won't love you back like you want them to, when you step away with dignity but realise that life is too short to not be friends.
I want to tell Ro who was my friend in that life as he is now, that it wasn't our time then as it isn't our time now for the kind of subservience he wants in the name of love.
That to compel someone to love us only in a certain way is to close ourselves to the myriad of ways they already do.
That true love will never disrobe its participants of their dignity or self respect. That real friendship will never leave one confused about where they stand. That the hallmark of real connections are that we show up for whom we care about. That there is a response to every call no matter where one is. That true love never dies even when our bodies do.
Instead it grows across eons to shelter us from our own darkness whenever we choose to let it.
I would dance in elation if we end up together in this life or are able to stand on some kind of common, stable psychological ground of understanding but even if we don't - even if my friendship is unrequited I would be content because stars and galaxies are born from this kind of gravitational tension that has existed between us since several lifetimes.
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